Mom Guilt – Travel Edition

Am I the only one – I can’t be the only one – who continually suffers from mom guilt? Do you, like me, spend most of your waking hours worrying that you’re somehow doing it wrong? Is your mom-life (or maybe I should say parent-life, for the rest of this post feel free to substitute “parent” for “mom” if the feelings apply but the title does not) spent thinking you should do it this way, then feeling like you’re failing, so trying to do it that way, and still feeling like a failure, so then driving yourself crazy reading about the 95 other ways to do it and trying to figure out which one might work? If this is you, have you ever thought, “If only we could just get away from it all, then things would be easier” or “If I didn’t have this job and all these activities, I would have more time to figure out to do it correctly?” Well, unfortunately, I’m here to tell you, getting away from it all actually doesn’t make the mom-guilt any less. It just means you’re lying awake torturing yourself in pretty places.

1. Too much time with my kid. I get it, this one sounds a little weird. But hear me out – we are together A LOT. It cannot be healthy to be with your parents 24/7/365. Being a travel family has meant that most all privacy lines were crossed long ago. As in, there is basically no privacy between us anymore. We are together all of the time. I worry that Nora has had too much adult exposure. She definitely has been a part of conversations that are way more adult than I would like, including hearing a (more than) fair share of four letter words that I’m not proud of. Unfortunately, when your kid does not go to school, activities, other people’s houses, or generally anywhere more than 10 feet away from you, out of necessity conversations that might be over her age level have to happen in front of her. If I had a dime for every time she piped in “what??” after a sentence I would rather not repeat to a six year old, we would be rich enough to keep this sabbatical thing going indefinitely. She has also been a part of more happy hours than is appropriate for a six year old. On the bright side, she’s great at setting up a Spanish happy hour for us (potato chips, peanuts, pretzels, and white wine). I’m not saying I’m proud, I’m just saying it’s come in handy.
2. Too much screen time.  Have I mentioned yet that we are all together, ALL the time, everywhere we go? I wish I didn’t have to admit this, but the truth of the matter is, yes, I use the iPad as a babysitter sometimes. We all need breaks from each other (sorry Future-Nora if you’re reading this, you were great as a kid, but yeah, momma needed a break every now and then). After we’ve gone through our morning routines and daily school sessions, I find myself tapped out and if we don’t have any plans afterwards, I usually have to say “Mom needs some mom time, you can watch your iPad.” Yeah, of course I know there are a million other activities that could keep her occupied while I take some time, but honestly, the iPad is there and easy and yes, I rely too heavily on it. But, in my defense, we don’t travel with many toys. Usually we bring coloring books, markers/crayons, and a couple of decks of cards. We don’t have a lot of space for all the kid things, so we are all guilty, but I’m probably the only one actually feeling the guilt, of using the iPad way too much.
   
3. Too much in-my-bed-time.  When I was jotting down notes for this post, I wrote down “too much time co-sleeping,” but as I’m sitting down to actually write, I’ve decided eff this one. I just can’t take on guilt over this. I’m ditching the bed guilt. I was even about to start typing a justification for why I’m not going to fee guilty and then decided eff even that too. So, here I am confessing. Yes, Nora crawls into our bed in the middle of the night or asks me to cuddle in hers “too often” and here I am not caring at all. Literally giving zero effs what people have to say about co-sleeping. There are way too many things (as I’ve been illustrating) that I can doubt myself over to spend energy on this. Now, please remind me to re-read this rant next week when I start feeling guilty about it all over again.
   
4. School (or lack of it).  This one really gets me. When we planned this trip, I knowingly took on full responsibility for Nora’s while we would be gone. We purposely planned our year-long sabbatical for the year Nora would be in kindergarten, wanting to do it at a time when she would be old enough to remember and yet missing U.S. school wouldn’t be an issue.  Fun fact: kindergarten is not a requirement in the State of Texas, which meant that we wouldn’t have to adhere to any type of laws regarding Nora’s education while we traveled. That being said, of course we care very much about Nora’s education.  It’s one of the most important things to us that Nora feel confident and we and want to set her up for success once she starts “real” school. Which is why we decided I would be in charge of her schooling while we were traveling. And let me tell you, that’s not been the easiest of tasks and probably one that Nora is not so happy that I took on. I’m constantly trying to balance making sure she’s learning everything she needs to know with time spent being together as a family and exploring and making memories (since that was really the whole purpose of this adventure) and trying to keep it all “light” and “fun” so that she’s still excited for school when she gets back.  Some days it all feels too overwhelming.  How many of you have tried teaching your kids and have not had to lock yourselves in the bathroom at least once or twice deep breathing your way out of screaming “pay F&$ing attention?!?” Or is that just me? I tell myself that this going to be fine, that she is smart and capable and prepared and anything that she is lacking in the classroom when we get back, she will easily pick up at school. I tell myself that the education she is received traveling Europe over the last year is immense and important and will serve her well in the future. But telling myself these things hasn’t stopped the little knot of self-doubt and fear and guilt that I haven’t prepared her property from eating away at me.
   
5. No friends.  Now this is the one that’s has kept me up many a night since leaving The States. This one is the one I have shed more than a few tears over. Nora not having any other kids her age to play with has broken my heart plenty of times in this year. You know, when we planned this move, we fully expected that we would move to France and settle in an apartment in Bordeaux. I researched the best areas to live in for kids, I joined online mom groups in Bordeaux, and I even contacted gymnastics and dance companies nearby. I had every intention of making sure that Nora made lots of new friends over here and got to have a full “kid” experience. Look, I’ve always been painfully aware of what having no siblings means for a kid. I’ve always felt guilty that Nora doesn’t have the built-in support system that having a brother or sister would bring. Then multiply that guilt by one million when we moved across the globe and then never actually settled anywhere meaning we never actually joined any activities or made any friends. All I can say is thank Goodness for Ruchir’s house that has become our home away from home and landing spot between trips. Thank Goodness for his daughter, who is significantly younger than Nora so may not the best playmate, but who has fully become like a little sister to Nora and who Nora loves like family. Thank Goodness for everyone at Ruchir’s house who has shown Nora (and actually all of us) so much overwhelming kindness and who has truly loved her like one of their own. One day I will write more about what they have meant to us, but for now, I will just say they have given me a lifeline out of the overwhelming guilt of constantly watching Nora play by herself on playgrounds in countries where she and the other kids don’t speak the same language. Or the guilt of watching her face fall when one of her parents suggests doing anything other than imagination play for the tenth time in the day because omg adults are not made for imagination play. Or the guilt of hearing her say that she misses her friends back home.  Because, oof.  That guilt is a killer.