As we near in on the halfway point on this trip I’m starting to really assess how we are doing at this whole radical sabbatical thing and what we can do to make the second half of this adventure more successful. In doing so, I’m taking a page from Elsa’s book and letting go. Letting go of expectations and plans and accepting certain facts. Here are a few things I’m letting go:
1. An orderly home. Sorry to all my OCD homemakers out there, but this one is a goner. It’s a bit of a tough pill for me to swallow and I’m definitely guilty of more than a few “this place is filthy and I can’t live like this” breakdowns over the last six months, but it’s time to accept that it is what it is. First of all, very few AirBnBs are fully stocked with cleaning supplies. If I’m lucky we get a roll of paper towels and some dishwashing detergent. I’m not sure that we’ve ever stayed anywhere with multi-surface cleaner or floor cleaner or anything beyond a washcloth and some water. And as a family on the move, we can’t really afford to buy such things and then try to travel with them. Secondly, and if I’m being honest, this is probably the biggest cause – I don’t have the time. Or more accurately, I’m choosing to prioritize other activities to use my time over cleaning. After we finish our morning routines of breakfast, working out, school, and work, we are all anxious to get out of the house and get to exploring. Which, sadly, means that beds go unmade and dishes stay in the dishwasher a few days after being run. It’s not my preference, but to be fair, ain’t nobody coming over to judge.
2. On that note, and this one is really sad for me: Friends. I’ve had to give up on the idea of making friends. When we were dreaming up this adventure, I had fantasies of making friends and dinner parties and play dates and catching drinks with the girls. I had imagined that I would leave France with some great new relationships. And now I have come to the disappointing realization that it’s just not going to happen. We haven’t sat still in 6 months. It’s hard to meet people or develop any type of relationship when the longest you’ve stayed in one place is two weeks. This one is hard for me. But, I don’t know if I’m willing to give up our goal of seeing and doing as much as we can in order to make friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a little lonely over here – but thankfully technology lets me keep in regular contact with all of my friends back home. I just wish more of them were comfortable drinking wine at 10:00 am so that I wouldn’t have to happy hour alone…
3. Comfortably shaving my legs – or maybe I should say a life without bandaged knees and ankles. I mean come on Europe, has no one here heard of an oversized shower?? Are all of you women just extra flexible or are you walking around with hairy legs above the knees?? What gives? Why must every shower be the size of a phone booth?? Sorry babe, it probably doesn’t make for a very good bed partner, but I’ve gotta let this one go too.
4. Sleep – Speaking of sleeping situations, what’s up with the the bedding here? Why must everything be so hard? Literally. Hard pillows. Hard mattresses. I never considered myself a princess and the pea type, but after six months of AirBnB bedding, I’m dying for my bed at home. I recognize that the 88 decorative pillows covering our Texas bed is probably overkill, but one pillow is truly not enough. Do Europeans just feel no pain? Are they not waking up in the middle of the night because their ears hurt from laying so flat on the hard mattress? No stiff necks? No painful hips? Is it really just me?
5. Losing weight. Even though I have hilariously (unless you’re my husband who finds no humor in it) schlepped a bathroom scale all over Europe, I do think I’m going to have to let go of the idea that I’m going to drop a bunch of (or any) weight while I’m on this trip. I could go on and on about this, and I might in a future post, but that sad fact is that I have gained quite a bit of weight since landing in France. I’m not happy about it. I’m actually pretty disappointed in myself about it and it’s, if I’m being honest, something that has been a bit of a black cloud over my head for the last half year. But maybe that’s why I need to just Let. It. Go. I don’t want to look back on this year years from now and realize that I didn’t really live it up over here because all I was doing was fretting about my weight. I don’t want to not drink the drinks and eat the food and I really don’t want to not take the pictures because I feel badly about myself and what the number on the scale says. It’s something I really struggle with, but I think it’s time to let it go. There will be a time and place for getting back into my old jeans, but maybe that time just isn’t right now.
6. Dressing. Okay, yes, I do still manage to get dressed in clothing everyday, but I’ve had to let go of actually dressing. As in dressing for appearances not just for functionality. I tell Paul all the time that I really miss getting dressed up. I miss jewelry and fun, but not necessarily comfortable, shoes. I miss extra makeup and cute hair (okay, so the hair I’ve never actually been good at, but I still miss the option). Nowadays, it’s all about functionality. Comfortable shoes, clothes that are warm enough, all the layers. When we are on the go our family easily logs 4-5 miles a day on foot. My attire has to be all about being able to comfortably get around all day long on foot. It’s sad for me when I pass by all of the gorgeous clothing store windows and look at all the cute clothes that I really can’t justify buying. Oh yeah, did I mention I quit my job over six months ago and am living on a pretty tight budget? If I walk in the door with an armload of new clothes, Paul might just leave me here. Also, I’ve been living out of a carry on suitcase, which means there is very little room for frivolity (yeah, yeah, I know, but we aren’t talking about the scale here). I’ve been wearing variations of three pairs of jeans and five sweaters for longer than I care to think about.
7. Privacy – This one came to my mind this morning when I was balancing on one leg while cirque de soleil-style trying to shave the other when my kid walked into the bathroom, didn’t blink an eye at my situation and asked me to brush her hair. Privacy is gone! We are all together all of the time. Like, all the freaking time. Boundaries in this family no longer exist. You want to know why I run? Sure, seeing new parts of the world is fun, but no where near as fun as a half hour all to myself. A half hour where I can be alone with my own thoughts, call a friend, or listen to a podcast with bad words. You would think item 5 above wouldn’t be such an issue with the number of times I “go for a run” just to get away. I mean, I love these two and all, but what I wouldn’t give to be able to use the restroom without at least one person commenting on it or to even shower, however awkwardly, in private.
So these are the things, for better or worse (mostly for worse), that I’m going to let go of going forward. They say there is a peace to be found in letting go of expectations. I plan on being one peaceful lady.
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